The Effin Haggis
THE BIG EFFIN HAGGIS
This is a story of a haggis from a wee farm called Effin Farm way up in the far north west of Scotland.
HE BRED HAGGIS ON THE WEE FARM AT EFFIN
FOR AN EFFIN HAGGIS BREEDER WAS HE
WHEREAS MOST HAGGIS YOU SEE HAVE GOT ONLY TWO LEGS
WELL THE BIG EFFIN HAGGIS HAS THREE
NOW THE WEE EFFIN FARMER WIS EVER SO PROUD
OF THE BIG EFFIN HAGGIS HE BRED
BUT ONE NIGHT ABOUT TEN HE LEFT OPEN ITS PEN
AND HE WENT TO HIS WEE EFFIN BED
WELL THE BIG EFFIN HAGGIS SAW A CHANCE TAE EFF OFF
SO IT RAN OOT ITS OPEN ENCLOSURE
IT WIS AN AWFAE CAULD NIGHT SO IT WORE A WEE COAT
TAE PROTECT IT FROM ANY EXPOSURE
THE VERY NEXT MORNING THE WEE EFFIN FARMER
TO CHECK OOT HIS BEASTS HE DID VENTURE
WHEN HE COUNTED HIS STOCK HE GOT SUCH A SHOCK
THAT HE CHOKED ON HIS BIG EFFIN DENTURES
WELL THE WEE EFFIN FARMERS BIG EFFIN WIFE
PHONED THE EFFIN POLICE STRAIGHT AWAY
SHE PICKED UP THE PHONE HAD A BIG EFFIN MOAN
AND THIS WAS WHIT SHE HAD TO SAY
THE BIG EFFIN HAGGIS HAS ESCAPED OOT ITS PEN
WHERE IT’S GOT TO I JIST CANNY TELL
ITS RAN OOT O’ SIGHT AND ITS NEARLY BURNS NIGHT
AND MY WEE EFFIN HUSBANDS NO WELL
WELL THE EFFIN POLICE FOUND THE HIDEOUT
AND A CHASE DID ENSUE YOU SEE
BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO WHEN LEGS YOU HAVE TWO
WHILST THE BIG EFFIN HAGGIS HAS THREE
SO THE CREATURE RAN OVER THE FIELDS AND THE BRAES
AND IT DISAPPEARED RIGHT OUT OF SIGHT
SO IT WISNAE THE SAME WHEN THEY ADDRESSED A STEAK PIE
ON THAT TERRIBLE EFFIN BURNS NIGHT
SO NO ONE HAS EVER DISCOVERED
THE BIG EFFIN HAGGIS TO DATE
SO NEXT TIME YOU HAVE HAGGIS AT BURNS NIGHT
JUST DOUBLE CHECK WHAT’S ON YOUR PLATE